"What would you say to someone who has 'fallen out of love' with their spouse, and why that's no grounds for divorce?". God breaks it with death, or, as I think Paul would say, “You are free to break your marriage covenant when Christ breaks his covenant with his bride.”. Falling Out of Love Does Not Justify Divorce, Says John Piper. I don’t understand why he feels unhappy, but he claims he is ‘no longer in love’ with his wife anymore. I don’t want to ruin the whole thing (you can listen to it) so I’ll give some of his best points. For the sake of maximum, long-term joy; for the sake of the deepest and highest significance; and for the sake of the maker and owner of your union, keep your covenant. “Pastor John, my adult son wants to get a divorce from his wife. I know it can be hard to not base our actions, thoughts, and words on feelings. I believe that most couples who stay married for fifty or sixty years fall in and out of love numerous times. We cannot even conceive of a greater significance of marriage than the one God has given. I’m totally perplexed by the timing. Follow us on Facebook and sign up for email updates. Be a man and woman of your word, a man and woman who keeps the vows to be committed for better or for worse, a man and a woman of character. "It is, in my judgment, almost ludicrous to think that we experience 'being in love' the same for the entire 60 years, just like we felt at the beginning of that relationship," said Piper. It’s another sign of the man-centeredness and contemporary self-centeredness of Christianity that a young couple would have the mindset that they created the union called marriage and, therefore, they can break it. I would guess that 95 cases out of 100 people do what they want to do and then find reasons to do it. What would you say to someone who has ‘fallen out of love’ with their spouse, and why that’s no grounds for divorce?”. We should be realistic as we talk to people, and we should pray. Here’s the scenario the article addresses as part of its “Dear Pastor John” series: “Pastor John, my adult son wants to get a divorce from his wife. How does Piper respond? It’s God’s design that people should know the truth and the truth would set them free. What would you say to someone who has ‘fallen out of love’ with their spouse, and why that’s no grounds for divorce?”. What do I mean by ownership? Pray and fast that God would do what our biblical arguments and reasoning, by themselves, could never do. Read Kirk’s message about why he started TheCourage here. In a podcast posted Friday on the Desiring God website, Piper was asked a question from an anonymous listener whose adult son was planning to get a divorce. They want to do it. Thanks for listening to the podcast! Lastly, the word ownership. Oh, what joy lies ahead beyond anything you can presently imagine for those who keep their covenant, even when their hearts are broken. There are times when my wife and I just aren’t clicking, when we’re nagging more than we’re snuggling, and when we seem like roommates instead of romantics. Married people use the excuse of falling out of love as means for divorce all the time. It is, in my judgment, almost ludicrous to think that we experience “being in love” the same for the entire sixty years, just like we felt at the beginning of that relationship. Beyond Reasoning ", As with Piper, Psychology Today also explained that falling out of love "is not a death sentence for a relationship," comparing healthy long-term relationships "typically accordion in and out with periods of increased closeness and periods of distance.". I say that with not the slightest hint of trying to be funny. I don't understand why he feels unhappy, but he claims he is 'no longer in love' with his wife anymore," the individual said. That’s just utterly crazy. We get this. Well, what I would say to them face to face would depend partly on their demeanor, but I don’t have him face to face. That’s the meaning, that’s the significance of marriage. I thought about how to say this. That’s just utterly crazy. I’m totally perplexed by the timing. What would you say to someone who has ‘fallen out of love’ with their spouse, and why that’s no grounds for divorce?” Well, what I would say to them face to face would depend partly on their demeanor, but I don’t have him face to face. Having said that, I totally believe in speaking the truth in love because it’s God’s way. Please click here to learn how. It’s not theirs. I’m going to admit something that shouldn’t be shocking: I’ve been there. Do you want to read more articles like this? Marriage is a parable of the greatest, strongest, deepest, sweetest, richest relationship in the universe — the blood-bought union between Christ, the Son of God, and his bride, the church. They do it. And that context is free from sin, like leaving your wife. In a relationship between two sinners forced to live as close as married couples live, it is naïve to think that every season will be one of warmth and sweetness and sexual romance. Ownership Marriage is the hardest relationship to stay in and the one that promises glorious, unique, durable joys for those who have the character to keep their covenant. Joy Covenant keeping in marriage glorifies Christ and the blood he shed to possess a bride forever. I would say to this young man who wants a divorce because he’s not in love, “Oh, what joy lies ahead for those who do not break their covenant even when their hearts are broken.” Here’s what I mean. I would just say to this young man that you are acting or about to act on one of the lowest views of marriage — not one of the highest, but one of the lowest views of marriage. According to a 2013 Psychology Today article, in recent times "falling out of love" has become the chief reason for couples divorcing. So I’m just going to say what I think he probably needs to hear. “Those who claim to believe the Bible will find biblical reasons to do it. Do you want award-winning journalism with a, Nigerian Christian killed in Fulani ambush attack as violence skyrockets, US, 31 other countries sign document declaring ‘there is no international right to abortion’, Ron Carpenter says legal disputes with Pastor John Gray over church ‘are finished’, Amy Coney Barrett’s final Senate confirmation vote set for Monday evening, ‘We are in a battle with Satan’: The biblical truth we too often ignore, What is QAnon? "Marriage is the hardest relationship to stay in and the one that promises glorious, unique, durable joys for those who have the character to keep their covenant.". Here’s the headline: “Why ‘falling out of love’ never justifies divorce.” It’s not that my wife and I have ever contemplated divorce, but the “falling out of love” part spoke to me. Today, Pastor John joins us over the telephone for a question from a perplexed father who writes in anonymously. I would hang my thoughts on three words: joy, significance, and ownership. We get this. So when I saw an article by John Piper today, I immediately clicked. The modern world of self-centeredness and self-exaltation and self-expression has taken the normal fifty-year process of falling in and out of love and turned it into a fifty-year process of multiple divorces and remarriages. They didn’t create it. Raise your hand if you’ve ever felt like you just don’t love your spouse. 5 Things I Learned From Falling In Love After Divorce There's no way of knowing if it will take two years or 10 to regroup and find another kindred spirit. Marriage is an act of worship. "At the same time, falling out of love is being taken increasingly seriously with growing apart now ranking above more dramatic causes of divorce like physical abuse, bad behavior, and financial worries. This covenant keeping relates to being in love the way gardening in the fall relates to roses in the spring. They can’t break it. If marriage is a representation of how Christ loves his bride, what makes us think that cutting ties and running because we may feel a certain way is justified. God offers to husbands and wives the highest possible significance for their marriage relationship by showing them what its greatest and most glorious meaning is — namely, the replication in the world of the covenant relationship between Christ and his bride, the church. That's just contrary to almost the entire history of the world and contrary to every makeup of fallen human nature. This is why I said a minute ago, “Oh, what joy lies ahead for those who do not break their covenant even when their hearts are broken.”. Divorce isn't justified just because one spouse has fallen out of love, says theologian and Desiring God founder John Piper. Talk about wisdom! They know what they’re going to do. "Number one on the list of exit doors from marriage used to be an affair. “I just don’t love you anymore” seems to be the escape clause that is never included in a prenupt . That’s what it’s about. They didn’t create it. It is naïve and immature to think that staying married is mainly about staying in love. Perhaps if it weren’t for the fantasy and fairy tales of being in love people would use too much discretion and find themselves alone most of the time. "The key is to heed signs of excessive distance and do something to bring a return of connection. There is no higher, more glorious, more significant conception of marriage than the one that Paul portrays in Ephesians 5. God made it. But once you get there, to that wonderful place of feeling genuine love for someone new, you'll know in your soul there was no other path you could have taken, no way to speed things up. Staying married is not first about staying in love. Piper explains: Marriage is not about feelings, it’s about a covenant. What does it say if he forsakes his wife because he doesn’t feel like staying anymore? What does it say about Christ? If you divorce because you don’t feel love anymore, there is nothing noble, nothing great, nothing beautiful, nothing high, nothing truly significant about such a motive. Other Grounds for Divorce. They can’t break it. Piper responded that falling out of love is a bad reason to divorce because, in his opinion, married couples oftentimes fall in and out of love, yet remain together. Falling in and out of love (at least the feelings of it) is normal, expected, and happens numerous times in a marriage. ", Piper went on to say that staying married is about "covenant keeping" and "promise keeping" rather than "about staying in love.". Happy Friday. They have been married for two years and have a one-year-old son and a newborn baby girl of ten days old. Whether I would say it exactly like this, I don’t know. Piper responded that falling out of love is a bad reason to divorce because, in his opinion, married couples oftentimes fall in and out of love, yet remain together. TheCourage is a digital destination meant to inspire, give hope, and call people to something better, especially in the areas of faith, family, and culture. Here’s the headline: “Why ‘falling out of love’ never justifies divorce.” It’s not that my wife and I have ever contemplated divorce, but the “falling out of love” part spoke to me. They do it.” In other words, even though the Bible is very clear about biblical reason for divorce, people like to find other reasons to justify their decision to end a marriage.

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